Let me get this thing straight, we don’t need to come out. We have the right to keep it to ourselves and not feel pressured by other people wanting to know who we are. Late ko na yan na-realize. Pero di ko pinagsisisihan na naging totoo ako sa pamilya, sa mga kamag-anak, at sa mga kaibigan ko kasi ang sarap nya sa pakiramdam.
Kailan ko nga ba naramdaman na mayroong hindi “typical” sakin? And by not typical, I meant like unusual and different from what we were told as we grow up, from what we saw on tv and movies. Nasa elementary ako noon nung nakaramdam ako ng paghanga sa kapwa ko lalaki. Crush kumbaga. Pero wala akong pinagsasabihan kasi ang pagtingin ko noon ay mali iyon at talagang di ko in-entertain yung thought. Nagtuloy yun hanggang high school. Kahit other part of me likes boys, nagka-girlfriends ako non. And I also liked that feeling, I also like girls. I experienced na may nag dump sakin na girl. I experienced being rejected nung nag ask ako kung pwede akong manligaw. I experienced puppy love with a girl. Nakakatuwa sa pakiramdam na naranasan ko iyong mga bagay na yon.
But at the back of my young, immature mind: I need to get to know myself even more. I need to explore.
With things like this, where is the best place to explore? Manila.
2011. I started studying in San Beda-Mendiola for College. It is the year when I opened up myself to meeting guys and realizing my identity. The first guy I dated was a nurse. I met him on Facebook. Ganon pala yung feeling na expressing your attraction to the same sex. Ang daming adjustments kasi nga we’re both guys. Di ko alam paano o anong gagawin. Ang alam ko lang, gusto ko sya kahit lalaki sya at masaya ako. Sa kanya ko na-experience yung first kiss sa guy.
Pero dahil nga less knowledgeable ako at ang bata ko nun (lame excuse, I know), umayaw ako at nag stop kami mag date. Di ko rin masabi kung anong gusto ko – relationship, fun, or experiment lang.
2011 or 2012. I had my first boyfriend. It didn’t work out well, I think 3 months lang kami.
2014. Nag level up ako sa next boyfriend ko. We started talking naman on Instagram. Naalala ko yung first date namin, we watched Bride for Rent of Kim Chiu and Xian Lim. We had a good run actually.
Hindi ko pa sya napapakilala nun kila Mama. Medyo naramdaman ko na parang teka alam na yata nila Mama na may boyfriend ako nung time na tahimik at bad mood ako. Sabi sakin ni Mama at Ate, “Bakit ka ganyan? Magkaaway ba sila Vincent at Eric?” Mga characters sa My Husband’s Lover noon. Nagulat ako nung tinanong nila sakin yan. Tawa lang yung reaksyon ko. Natuwa ako actually.
Then this one night came. I arrived home from a date. Me and Ate were living together in an apartment here in Manila. She asked me where I have been to and that Mama is looking for me and whom I with. I said that I was with a friend.